Biology in the News Explained


Man, some people know how to sell books. I bet Susan Patron, author of “The Higher Power of Lucky,” knew exactly what she was doing. What a bonus though, to receive the Newbery award. Gotta love it – a real slap in the face for the book burners out there.

Of course this is about biology! It is about how a minority (fortunately) of repressed, uptight, (very likely) wankers think that it is inappropriate for kids to hear the names of certain body parts. This is why the rest of the developed world views Americans as completely whacked when it comes to sex (do Americans realize that “Sex in the City” is broadcast unedited by the BBC?). On the one hand, sex is used to sell everything here from beer to cleaning products to car engine parts, and many a jihadist out there is fighting the good fight because Americans are so promiscuous; on the other, we aren’t actually supposed to use any word that might be associated with sex. After all, although it is very important to God that we procreate, it seems to be more important that we aren’t actually enjoying it. Because sex is evil, and we know well from experience that hiding it from kids is a foolproof method for sex prevention – a goal much more important, apparently, than unwanted-child prevention.

We have to protect our kids! So we must order the schools to hide books from them! These words almost always come out of the same mouths that demand complete parental control over everything their kids are ‘exposed’ to – as if that is going to happen without a sensory deprivation chamber. One of these lovely folks, Rick Jore, is currently the chair of the Montana House Education committee, and just proposed a bill to repeal all mandatory education laws.

But if we work tirelessly to ban those books by liberal scum, it just might be possible to get our kids through life without hearing the word ‘scrotum.’ With any luck, they will instead use a much more appropriate term, such as from this list of examples so eloquently provided by a fine writer, Eric Lubell:

…sack of Rome, the family jewels, knackers, nads, egg thieves, goolies,
dingleberries, kiwis, coconuts, fuzzy dice, Balzac, fruit stand,
wrinklies, hobgoblins, yikies, hangers, danglers, cobblers, genubies,
jumblies, doorbells, Santa’s Little Helpers, berries, nadgers, scrots,
ding-dang-dongs, willy nillys, sumptuaries, Quakers, pinguids,
rutabagas, city cats, glim-jacks, whim-whams, jollies, stuffata,
shallow curiosities, northern liberties, and carnescent massives…

Which is much better than an educated understanding of actual human biology.


7 Responses to “Scrotology”

  1. TigerHawk says:

    If The Higher Power of Lucky adheres to the unwritten requirements for the Newberry Award, the beloved dog or American Indian had to die three pages from the end. I trust that happened, notwithstanding the use of the word “scrotum.”

    Seperately, “dingleberries” is under no circumstances a synonym for “testicles.” Everybody understands it to be the little wads of fuzz that get wound up in your, er, hair.

  2. West says:

    Absolutely right! We should also teach our children, starting at age 3, about violent death, venereal diseases, flesh eating bacteria, and horrible mutilating industrial accidents. Complete with pictures, of course.

    Keep up the good work, we’ll have those Mapplethorp posters up in kindergartens in no time!

  3. Assistant Village Idiot says:

    I can’t speak for the others, but my objection to the book is not its use of the word “scrotum” and related sexual terms. It’s the tiring idea that tweaking parents by pushing the envelope is the mature and adult response that helps our children so much. There is a difference between a child using a word accurately and in context for general conversation – Jeremy got injured at soccer and can’t practice. His testicles hurt – and kids trying to show how brave they are by mumbling “scrotum” in class and sniggering. This book pretends to be in the former category but is actually in the latter. The book’s tone is far more offensive than its content.

    We’re so brave! And so modern! And all the people against us just want their children to be ignorant! Not sophisticated like us! Did you know I can say “scrotum?”

  4. Anonymous says:

    Happily, your 6 & 4 year old nephews both know the word “scrotum,” so I will not have to steer them down another aisle at Barnes & Noble in 2010, when I will likely not remember any of this. I am incredibly intrigued, however, by the idea of either of them referring to their “carnescent massives,” like maybe at the pediatrician’s office . . . or playgroup.

    –The TigerHawk Sister-in-Law and “Mrs.” Charlottesvillian
    (but otherwise totally lacking in Google or Blogger identities)

  5. Cassandra says:

    Having read the offending sentence, it hardly seems to merit banning an entire book. Teaching children the scientific names for body parts is something I think we may safely do without too much fuss in life. Lord knows I did with my boys.

    And then we teach them when it is appropriate to use those terms. All part of the education process.

  6. Edward Lunny says:

    The terminology isn’t offending. Haveing it shoved into the face of my child, and myself, without my input is. The offense, perpetuated by the left, is that they know what’s best for me and mine and have the explicit right to force it upon me and mine. As a parent I will determine what and when my son has the need and the maturity to be given this ,not, some self rightous ,self appointed steward of political correctness. Too frequently the explicit right to intervene in my sons education includes an explicit right to censure that which they find unpalatable as well. The funny thing about shoving things into peoples faces ,is that those people tend to return that which was shoved ,into the other end of the alimentary canal. If this is a worthwhile book and intellectually valuble, why the need to be offensive ?? Seems much like some recently newsworthy leftwing blogs, after one removes the offensive bits, there isn’t much in the way of substance.

  7. <a href="">Phentermine</a> says:

    Nice design of blog.

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